Meet Alba!

Dear online diary and online friends! Today I'd like you to meet Alba :) **WARNING: Super Emotional and Involved post ahead, CW/TW: mentions of suicide, covid, LGBTQIA+ issues, abuse, cancer mention. - I really intended for this to be a lighthearted post about a plushie, but I ended up overexplaining his name. Sorry in advance!!! I try to bring things back to happy by discussing things I'm happy to be alive for! :) If you want to see those, I added them to the end. :)))

Alba is my newest plushie, he is a soft husky puppy with sparkly blue eyes. I named him Alba for the Italian word for sunrise, and his name means a lot to me. 

For a long time, I had a special plushie named Yuki who meant a lot to me. He was with me through a lot of hard times and life changes. But unfortunately, I couldn't disconnect him completely from an association with someone in my past who I had to cut out of my life. Trying to get comfort from Yuki was making me sad nowadays, and brought up traumatic and sad memories for me. I still have Yuki, but I just can't interact with him the same way these days. Maybe one day when the painful memories fade, I can revisit him and see if he brings me the comfort he used to. 

I was at the store recently, getting things for my new apartment, when I saw Alba. I immediately loved him very much, and was overjoyed to find out that his fur textures were great for cuddling. I got him, but I still couldn't land on a name for him until now.

I named him Alba (sunrise) for a reason. Last year, at the end of July, I really changed my life after some unfortunate events. And I'm so proud of myself for getting myself to this point, living on my own with my best friend and sister, happy with a full time job, loving partner, and finally being accepted for who I am by my family.  Over the course of a year, I conquered my fear of driving, found a full-time job, faced my mental health head-on, sought the treatments I needed, came-out to my entire family as pansexual, entered a healthy and stable relationship built on respect and kindness, went on my first solo road trip across state lines, signed my first lease, hit a huge milestone with OFT that I was so happy about, moved out of my family's home and on my own, and much more. Not everything this past year was perfect, and I did have my low points. I had a covid scare in September, my father had a possible-cancer scare, I struggled with moving forward into my own life, and then I was hospitalized in January for my mental health, because I had made a plan to end my life. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am that I decided to get help, and how happy I am that I decided to stay alive. Yes, things were hard this past year, but knowing what I know now about how things have developed, I am so incredibly grateful to my past self for reaching out and asking for help when I needed it. And of course, I'm so happy to my past self for staying strong when I needed to end my previous relationship/engagement. Ending a many-years-long and very unhealthy and abusive relationship is a hard thing to do, but I know I needed to do so. I was hurt for a long time about it, and while I still suffer some of the side-effects, I made the right choice. 

As time approaches the one-year-mark since my old life ended, I can really say for certain that the day my old life ended, my new life began. To be poetic- the sun set on the past, and now I may witness the sunrise of better days forward. 

Alba is my sunrise. The dawn I'm witnessing is so beautiful, and I'm so happy to walk into this new day.

I'm so happy to be able to care for my cat. She lives with me now and she loves the new place. I love her so much. She's basically an emotional support animal.

My mom's dogs (Roxy is pictured here) were so helpful as I was recovering after my hospital stay.

I'm very glad to be alive and around to be able to be a good Auntie to my niece. She's 2 years old and I love her so much! I also have a nephew who lives in Vegas, and I love him so much as well. He is such a cute and sweet kid, I'm so glad to be his Auntie.

I'm so happy to have my partner. I love the mutual respect and love we have for each other. I also like how accepting he is of me, flaws and all. We also bond over being neurodivergent ( we are both autistic). It's so magical having someone like him in my life. 

I am so grateful for my best friend. Sam (nightsong) is the best person I could've ever met in college. I am so lucky that we crossed paths. Sam brings light and compassion to my life, and is super funny too :p I'm so lucky to have nightsong as my bestie and now, one of my apartment-roommates! 

Zoey (my moms other dog) is also so emotionally supportive. Like Roxy, she is so helpful with my emotions and she really helped me as I came back to my life after the hospital.  

I am so glad to be alive. 

luv, 

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